And no, I don’t even pretend that my writing is on par with the inimitable Hunter S. Thompson. I am just taking the advice of one of my profs — start with an interesting title.

Today was the first full day after the first counseling session. The second has been moved to Monday night in order to accommodate our school schedules (we both have classes on Tuesday and Thursday nights). I have come to the realization that even if the Mrs. and I are able to overcome her “feelings,” the emotional wounds that will remain will take a long time to heal over. I got to thinking about it today — I have spent 10 years of my life loving two women. One broke my heart (though I certainly accept my own share of culpability, too), and one is in the process of doing so. Ten years, and with such stellar results. Wow, that’s sobering.

Speaking of sobering, that reminds me of drinking. The Mrs. and I, as I mentioned in a previous post have been assigned to go on a “date.” I have always loved spending time with my wife. However, the idea of a night of stilted conversation, waiting with bated breath to see whether she will decide to be with me or “play the field,” doesn’t sound all that appealing. We’ll be going to our nearest city and going to one of the local bar/restaurant/club thingies for dinner, drinks and light, airy conversation.

Further thoughts on the subject of dating: I haven’t been on a date, in the sense of not being but seeking to be attached, since the Mrs. and I started going “steady” in the summer of 2000. I must admit that the idea of dating again freaks me out. I’ve never been much of a casual dater to begin with. Unfortunately, my emotional makeup is, dare I say, a toxic gumbo when it comes to dating. To wit, I am shy and introverted (at least at first), with inhibited self esteem (can you tell that I did law school for a year?) and, an intense fear of rejection coupled with an intense fear of being alone.

If worst comes to worst, and we go down to D-town, I am afraid that I will be alone forever. Of course, I felt that way after I broke up with the woman I had dated for four years before meeting the Mrs. In between the two, I met a beautiful woman in Montréal called Veronique. Veronique was a cute, sexy French-Canadian with long, dark hair, soft skin and that oh-so-sexy French accent. And, kids, by all accounts, she was actually in to me! As you might be able to imagine, nothing came of that chance meeting because my friends and I were going to be out of town in a few hours. However, the positive result of my fit of liquid-enhanced courage gave me reason to believe. I think back to Veronique from time to time, but time has blunted the positive effects of our meeting, as it has dulled her features in my mind’s eye. I can only hope that something happens to restore my faith in love and goose my self-confidence. If I look at this situation academically, I can see that this will be an opportunity for me to grow, whether the Mrs. and I stay together or not. Unfortunately, because I am the subject of this academic experiment, I can’t see past the pain to the growth.

Side note: I’ve been thinking about blonde haired girls the past few days. No faces, just hair on faceless, female heads floating through my mind like a flying toaster screen saver. I’ve always prefered redheads or brunettes, I wonder if that’s changing?

Now that I’m done my daily blood-letting, I can talk about other things. I am currently listening to Elliott Smith’s Figure 8 album. Why do all the good ones die so young? He was such a gifted songwriter and musician. If you’ve never heard him, I can highly recommend the two albums I have via Napster, Figure 8 and Either/Or. Of course, it helps if you’re an indie rock guy like myself.

Speaking of talented musicians, Lou Rawls died on Friday after a long bout with cancer. It seems like we have lost a lot of great soul and R&B vocalists recently — Luther Vandross, Barry White and now Mr Rawls. Unlike Elliott Smith, Lou Rawls lived a nearly full life (at least statistically), dying at the age of somewhere between 69 and 72, depending on who you ask. Mr Rawls died of lung cancer and a brain tumour. I can hardly imagine what a horrible fate that must have been. In honour of his life, I was going to name today’s post “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine,” but I didn’t think it went with the timbre of the posting, so I didn’t want to disrespect him by forcing the reference when it wouldn’t have been appropriate.

Finally, in the world of politics, there is something I have to get off my chest. If you couldn’t tell from my previous posts (or haven’t read them — yet) I am a pretty liberal guy. I am very much against the vast majority of our current administration’s policies. However, I saw a “BlogAd” on one of my favourite blogs, Crooks and Liars, that made me cringe. It reads, in pertinent part: “(Image: Sick of The Corruption? Stop Future Abramoffs) Congressional Democrats have pushed to clean Congress since long before indictments came down on the culture of corruption and continue to wait for Republicans to sign on.” It then links to a web site hosted by the Democratic Congressional Committee. What’s wrong with this, you ask? Oh, ye of short political memory! Two words for you: Dan Rostenkowski. Who’s that? Mr Rostenkowski was a powerful congressman from Illinois who, in 1994, was indicted on corruption charges related to check kiting and wound up serving 15 months of a 17 month jail sentence! For the DCC to intimate that their party has cornered the market on honesty is, well, dishonest. And do they think anybody really buys it? The political bullshit carousel continues to spin…

One last comment before I wrap it up for the night. It’s directed at the fearless leader of the United States:

Spying on American Citizens Really Is Illegal!

Be well, cyber-cats. I’ve always been better at giving advice than taking it.

I have been debating all night whether to make this post or not because a former lover an ex is a reader (and is one of the few who know my true identity), but I have to get this off my chest, so here goes.

The marriage that I thought was on pretty solid footing is, in Mrs. NDR’s opinion, not so much. What’s so frustrating is that she is not very communicative about what the problem might be. Whenever I try to elicit some sort of information, she shuts me down with “I don’t know” and similar cop-outs.

No doubt, I was not under the illusion that our relationship was perfect. We are going on 6 years together, and 3 years of marriage. That’s a considerable amount of time to be so close with one person, so tensions are bound to come up. I also know that, while I try to be the best husband/friend/lover/etc I can be, I am far from perfect. I can be cranky and contankerous (yes, both of these at the tender age of 26), stubborn, annoying and at times a big honking pain in the ass. That being said, however, my wife has heretofore accepted me and loved me in spite of my flaws. Mrs. NDR has her own set of issues. She is frequently insecure and suffers, as I do, from diminished self-esteem. I think at least part of our issue — whatever it might be — stems from this lack of self-esteem.

So, we are in the process of seeking marital counselling. I think it is a good thing that both of us are committed to doing it. Hopefully it will allow us to understand ourselves and each other better, thereby strengthening our relationship.

Complicating matters — in the intimacy department — and not like Mrs. NDR is frequently in “the mood” under these circumstances, but she started out on Paxil a few weeks ago and now the shattered remains of her sex drive are a distant memory. I think that I have always had a higher sex drive than the Mrs., but with these newfound tensions coupled with her medication, the chasm is growing ever wider. So, I try to be as supportive as possible, and don’t press the issue. Though, to borrow from one of my favourite comics, the late great Kerry Talmage — “I’ve been beating my dick like it owes me money!” Sorry for being so graphic, but that’s the freedom I feel from blogging anonymously! I must admit this is pretty cathartic, even though very few (if any) people will ever see it (though I wouldn’t mind my 15 minutes, either).

So between the potholes in the road of my marriage and my worthless, thankless job I am feeling like a failure and completely emasculated. Maybe its time for a shrink on my own — a two-fer!

Moving off of my shit-ass shituation, it’s probably been shittier for former house majority leader Tom DeLay’s friend and business partner, Jack Abramoff, as he pled guilty to 3 charges as part of a cooperation deal with the Feds. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! In the WaPo picture, doesn’t he look like a total douche? Now all I wanted for Christmas is our favourite bug sprayer from Sugar Land to be heading for the hoose gow, maybe it’s coming late?
And in international news, what is going on in one of my favourite places — T.O. (that’s Toronto, not Terrell Owens, wiseass). Specifically, gun violence is near record highs in my beloved city. On Boxing day (that’s December 26th), a 15 year old girl, Jane Creba, was gunned down on one of Toronto’s main thorofares, Yonge Street. From all accounts, she was a completely innocent bystander at the wrong place during a gang dispute. It’s sickening. Apparently, the government believes that it’s an influx of guns from… guess where, class? Yes, that’s right the U.S.! Then again, the Toronto Star isn’t buying it. Whatever the case, it’s pretty scary to think that a city that has prided itself for so long on being one of the safest in the world is beginning to lose control to these forces of violence.
OK, I really do need to try to go to bed, even though it’s been pretty difficult these days. Insomniacs of the world, goodnight.

Happy New Year to all of you in blogland. Here’s to hoping that your 2006 is better than your 2005. My 2005 certainly had its share of highs and lows, but today if no other is a day for optimism.

My wife and I saw Planes, Trains and Automobiles today. Instead of watching it edited and with commercials on TBS, we rented the DVD. To paraphrase the film — the fucking movie is not the fucking same without the fucking car rental scene.

Earlier in the day, we actually went to a theatre for another movie. It was one of my wife’s picks, definitely wouldn’t have been one of my own — Rumor Has It… starring Jennifer Aniston (who, sadly, is getting a bit long in the tooth) and the thespian for the ages, Mark Ruffalo. What a tour de force Ruffalo turned in. Wanker. Ruffalo aside, the movie was not as bad as I had expected, nor as bad as Carrie Rickey’s review in the Philadelphia Inquirer had portended. However, I do agree with Ms Rickey’s assessment with regard to to three of the supporting players: Shirley MacLaine, Kevin Costner and (the always terriffic) Kathy Bates. She writes: “In a film about as funny as ground chuck, these three are the Hamburger Helpers.” MacLaine and Costner, and to a small extent (due to her very small role) Bates, turned a one-star film into a two- or two-and-a-half star film. I must also say, I am not typically into blondes but there’s just something about Mena Suvari. Yum. It was probably her performance in American Beauty (an excellent film, and, as it turns out a variety of rose — took me 6 years to “get” that) that did it for me, not so much this film, to be honest.

Turning my gaze to politics, now. Is it any wonder that I have ADD? (Not to mention it took three hours to get these few paragraphs churned out). When I first saw this headline — Is Bush Worship A Cult? — on Pensito Review, I thought it was a joke. Apparently not, and the argument is rather convincing. I consider myself a pretty tolerant person of a wide variety of philosophies, but I wust say that a whole wide range of negative feelings come out when I hear a Bush or one of his sycophants is on the TV — hell, even the W’04 bumper sticker pisses me off. Those are some scary people. How, in light of everything that has come out about Mr Bush’s administration — from the illegitimate war in Iraq to the cronyism to the torture to the outing of a secret CIA operative — do people still support him? I saw another bumper sticker on the road the other day. It read: Support Our Troops And President Bush. Aren’t those two things mutually exclusive concepts? And check this out. To paraphrase George Carlin: You know what they ought to do with these churches? Tax them. If they’re so interested in politics, government and public policy let them pay the fucking admission price like everybody else. Oh, and while I’m railing against churches, check this and this church sign out. Is it any wonder that Christians are getting a bad rep? In fairness, though, not all of them are complete wackadoos. If you haven’t already, please check out ChurchSignGenerator.com, where all of the church sign links came from. It’s an excellent site and a good laugh.

Finally, in the world of sport, my Philadelphia Eagles mercifully ended their 2005 campaign today with a loss to the visiting Washington Redskins. To go from Super Bowl contenders one year to 6-10 the very next is disappointing at the very least. I am not your “typical” Philly fan in that I am not calling for the head of (coach) Andy Reid, or (quarterback) Donovan McNabb. Fans in other cities pale in comparison to Philly in terms of our ability to turn on our sports teams. We are also well known for booing Santa Claus, but I digress.

Well that’s it for now. Bed, and sleep, are calling.